I read a blog recently (included at the bottom) and it made me think of a Simpson’s episode. The episode had no story line, no moral, no real ending. The summary of the ending was sometimes a bunch of stuff just happens in life, with absolutely no reason. I really liked that episode. It clicked with me. I agree, sometimes there is NO reason for stuff in life. It just happens.
Why have I been thinking of these things lately? Three of my friends have lost their sons in three separate accidents. As far as I know, these three families don’t know each other, and yet, I know all three. I just can’t even imagine the pain they are feeling. The grief is enormous, and the only thing I can do is be a sounding board. As a person who like to fix things, I feel helpless not being able to fix this. I want to stamp my foot, scream to the heavens, and make this all go away for them. But, there is no rhyme or reason behind any of this, nothing, and then I realize, sometimes that’s the point.
Sometimes life just sucks, and there is no moral to the story. — The Simpson’s episode that covers this, says, sometimes just a bunch of good and bad stuff happened, and there was no moral at the end. That’s just life. — In my own opinion, crap this bad doesn’t happen for a reason. How can there be a reason for a parent to lose a child in a freak accident? How can people tell a parent that the Heavens needed a new angel more than we needed the child here? I have to step back, and remember, people are actually trying to help, and there is no malicious intent in their motive. In my mind, and there is a very good chance I am wrong, but, in my mind, it is the strong people who later create something better from devastation (or at least survive the devastation — which is hard enough on it’s on).
It is the human condition, the soul, and the drive to be better, which somehow finds connections in this world, to put together something really good from something terrible.
I kind-of like the idea that really bad things in life have no reason. Why? Because that makes the survival of those involved so much greater to accept. When you think life has a purpose, or everything has a reason, then we accept this idea we have no control over anything, and if you have a religion, you might be angry with the religious leaders, or the deity. Just think for a moment if many things in life did not have reason, or purpose, and most things just happened due to blind bad luck. Now, look around at all the survivors. Look at the leaders of the organizations. They picked themselves up, dusted themselves off, and yelled at fate, the world, and at their deity, “I am stronger than this, and my path is not to be weak or to cower to this blind luck. I call you out fate, and I raise you my life.” That is how I see survivors of grieve. As was mentioned in the blog below, grief comes in all forms. You could see and feel the grieve at both my parent’s funerals, you could see the grief on my face and hear it in my anger when I realized my ex had been cheating, I could see it on my children’s faces when they realized their father had left and we had to continue on without them, you see it on the face of people who have lost loved ones (especially children), and you even see it on the face of those who lose jobs, homes, and their health. We all grieve at some point in our lives, and it is painful. It isn’t just a little sad. It isn’t just the ‘blues”. It is ugly. It is screaming, crying, heart bursting, I can’t breath, and I pray for death right now, heart wrenching pain. Even those who grieve sightly, you can see it in their face. Their eyes are no longer naive to losing. Their hearts are breaking and they have no words. That is grief. You know grief when you see it. As you get older and experience pain and grief more and more, you learn to recognize the lines it creates on the faces of your friends and co-workers. They smile, but, you know. You know deep down, they have grieved.
It is those who come out the other side who take that pain with them and grow a garden of something new, something better, and something bigger than themselves. Not because the lose was for “a reason”, but, because those who saw hell in their hearts, new they had to make a reason out of the lose. I see those people, and I know it took every fiber of their souls to keep going, day by day, hour by hour, and sometimes moment by moment just to accept the pain as their own, and not let themselves be crushed under the weight.
Moms who lose children might join MADD, breast cancer survivors raise money and tell their stories, and people who find themselves sick, hurt, lost, or just starting over, somehow find the energy and the hope to carry on. They find the energy and the survival instincts to pick up from pure, life altering grieve, and say to themselves, and to the world, “You can’t kill me because I’m not done yet.” So, anytime someone tells you, “Everything happens for a reason”, keep in mind they are probably just trying to be nice, and are uncomfortable with the situation, but, in your head, remember, you are the one who makes the life you want. You are the one to reach down and find strength and determination you didn’t even know existed, and you are the one to actually make something out of something terrible, not the other way around. You have 3 choices, not 2. You have the choice to give up, go forward, or continue to be stuck right where you are. Whatever you decide is good for you, is what those around you must accept. Your true friends will meet you at your spot in life, not force you down the path they expect you to take. On your path, be kind to yourself, cry a lot (even in private), hug yourself, and never apologize for venting and telling your stories to the people who want to listen. Tell those stories over and over and over, until they no longer are painful. The right people will listen as many times as you wish to tell the story.
As we all live our lives, finding the small victories in daily moments, I wish for all of you to find the strength and love to make it one more moment, one more hour, and one more day. We are all in this together. May you find peace today.