(First came the announcement, then came the show)

Formal announcement sent to every animal:

Come one! Come All!

It’s the Woodstock of the animal kingdom! Music, sex, and rock and roll, plus a natural hormone high like no other!

The main act playing this year is The Birds and Bees. The Beetles and Rocking Robin will follow with their summer loving music. The Monkeys have been invited, but unfortunately they’ve already booked for a gig overseas, and can’t travel this time of the year. Don’t worry, at midnight, everyone will be treated to the Three Dogs Howling at Night.

The entire schedule of entertainers is way too long to list here, but here are some of the fantastic acts attendees can expect to enjoy. The Beastie Babes are back and are really looking good this year. The Ants and The Roaches will be in a secret location playing a set just for their insect fans. Due to customer input, and the unfortunate incidents of last year, the Event Coordinator decided The Hornets and The Wasps should perform during different  weeks. This works great for all attendees! You can plan your mating rituals around both venues.

Be sure to check your schedule for all entertainment events and especially look at the specific mating areas you are assigned too. Breaking into another species’ mating territory can get ugly and ruin all the beautiful events we have planned for you this year (Cats, I’m looking at you).

It will be a 4 week party you do not want to miss. (Seriously, the fate of your descendants depend on you being there).

Have fun and happy mating!!

 

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(Me this afternoon)

Somewhere I missed a memo. When I woke up today (yes, it was 1 pm, don’t hate),  I didn’t know I was going to be presented with some X-rated action.

It was a normal afternoon. I pulled myself to the kitchen, walking less like a human and more like Frankenstein. I made myself a cup Heaven’s juice. That sweet, sweet, berry called coffee. The elixir of life. With each sip I became more like myself and less like a cross between a human and a big ball of crazy. I looked outside and saw the chickens having a good time. I figured I would walk out and see what they were up to.

As I walked to the back door, I heard a ruckus. Living in the country, you learn to ignore noises which do not include screams of help or screams from your personal animals. You learn the difference between a ruckus and an emergency. If I jumped up for every noise, I would never get anything done.

Let me address these noises for a moment.

City people think it’s quiet in the country. HA! In the spring, it’s a fuck feast of biblical proportions.

It’s nature’s version of spring break and every animal, far and wide, are invited. All furry, scaly, and feathered creatures meet in backyards across the northern
hemisphere and become insanely high on their own hormones.

This leads to the biggest interspecies orgy ever. If you don’t believe the animals are a little crazy this time of year, you’ve never seen a horse trying to mount a cow or a turtle trying to mount a rock before realizing things aren’t working as they should.

Growing up in the country you do not need sexual education in school to teach you about the birds and bees, you see it every day from around mid-March to May.

Trust me. An animal party is like no other party on the planet. Animals are not shy about showing their passions and mating potential for each other. In fact, many species believe the noisier they are the better their chances are to get laid. Honestly, if an animal can’t get laid during the spring, they have some serious issues, and need all the help they can get. This leads to drunken songs of love, passion, and mating with the best female animals they can find.

Hey human ladies, we should take some lessons. These male animals work really hard to attract their mates. Only the strongest, smartest, and most talented wins the hand of their mate. Well, except snakes…… those MTHFRS. Damn. They have a huge mating ball around a female and  get what they can when they can. It’s insane watching them during spring break. Geez guys. Take a chill pill or something.

But I digress. I was talking about how loud animals are in the spring.

Male frogs are showing the lady frogs how loud they can sing, Owls are looking for their nest mates by hooting throughout the night, chipmunks are scurrying around, giving each other high fives on the way to new and exciting orgies, and of course, my own chickens are doing it doggie style (OK. Chicken style), two to three times a day.

I swear, my yard and deck becomes the natures version of a Holiday Inn (I serve free meals and water, so we are a few steps above an hourly flop house).

Everywhere I look the animals are having the greatest times of their life.

Hell, I’ve even dug up my garden, innocently planting pretty flowers, only to find two or three worms wrapped around each other. I’m pretty sure they were not cuddling for pillow talk or worm yoga. They were making babies. Just think a worm doesn’t even need another worm. They can make a baby all by themselves.

Dan Quayle would have an issue with this family plan. — Yes, I used the reference to his view on single parents due to his last name. I couldn’t help it. His platform against single parents was the main headline back in the day. Go ahead young parents, I know you are Googling his name. I’ll wait. ——– (Jeopardy music playing in the background) — OK. Good. You’re back. — See, this blog isn’t only about jokes, venting, and my opinionated views of the news, there is a little education along the way too.

Okay. Where was I? Animal sex? Springtime? Dan Quayle? Dammit. No. hang on. Ahhh! I was talking about the ruckus on my back deck.

With all this sex occurring each spring and in my own backyard you would think I’ve seen it all and expect it all. Nope. I see something new each year.

I open the door and step on the back deck and what do I see? There are two birds pounding it out on the actual deck (not in the air as sometimes they are). They were getting it on like, well, like birds do. Normally birds will fly off when disturbed. Not in my back yard. Not during mating season. For 4 weeks in the spring, and a few weeks in the fall, I’m just an intruder in my own backyard. I feel like I should be walking around with trays of snacks or something. Maybe next year, I’ll lay out a feast and bring in Kenny G to play for the attendees.

I looked at them and they looked at me. They didn’t move. They weren’t scared off at all.

Seriously, they looked at me with such disdain, I was actually embarrassed to catch them in the act. You know the feeling you get when you come home too soon and find your roommate with a one night stand, whom you’re never supposed to meet? Yea. It was like that. I was still in shock that they didn’t fly away immediately, which made me stare a little longer than was comfortable for anyone in this situation.

Finally the spell was broken and they gave me this look like, “Do you mind giving us some privacy?” I quickly turned and went back in the house, where I drank my coffee in my living room, uncomfortable listening to bird sex noises out my back window.

If you think listening to your roommate or neighbor get it on with a one night stand is strange, imagine the strange feeling I had when I turned up my music so I wouldn’t embarrass my yard mates while they squawked, tweeted, and sung out their passions to the entire backyard.

I was thinking, “Damn dude. Hang a feather on the door or something next time.”

After a very short time, they flew their separate ways. If I’m not mistaken, I saw her wink at him as she flew away and I’m pretty sure he headed to his house for a smoke. I know his feathers were more fluffy than they were only a few minutes ago and they both seemed very happy about the experience.

Well, Have fun birdies. It’s spring break for nature! It’s the yearly nature party and everyone is invited!

Awww…… This has me thinking, I’m pretty sure those birds were not using protection.

I get the feeling, in about 2 weeks, my yard will be less like spring break and more like a nursery during the baby boom. Yes. I think it’s time to set out the bird seed, water, and some yarn so those new parents can build a strong nest and take care of their babies.

** I do believe I need to write a blog post explaining how to best prepare your own yard for all those babies created during natures biggest baby making season of the year. **

Time to plan for all those pretty babies!

First, I need to finish my coffee……. and take a cold shower.

As always… Be safe, be kind, and always be happy!